Lehigh University
The Vault at PfaffsAn Archive of Art and Literature by the Bohemians of Antebellum New York
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Text for Page 172 [11-18-1855]

              164
go carefully over each page; hunt in down town libraries, find
an edition, � he buys it, takes scissors in hand, and
tacitly ignores my labour.     Chiefly I have gone through all the
Punch volumes, used up all my own available numbers, hunted
out many more at book-stalls, and made copies in writing (at
the Mercantile,) of all articles not to be got otherwise.        He
says he goes over volumes, from the time of his return up town in
the afternoon, till sunset, and get�s half blind.         And also that
in April his mother�s maintainance devolves upon him.           The
talk made me gloomyish, as I was unwilling to break off anything
so fairly commenced; and we came to no conclusion upon it. He
had before told me that no money would be forthcoming till two years
subsequent to its publication.              Returned down the chilly Broad-
way, and to bed by 9 1/2.
  19.  Monday.   A little writing only.     Ill in body, unspeakably
wretched and half mad in mind.       Oh God, be pitiful and end
this!   Oh mother, to lay my head on your breast and sob my
half broken heart out!         /      I have been up to the Mercantile
all the afternoon.   Shall I ever forget with what a throbbing brain
and aching, aching eyes, I stood turning over page after page, get-
ting indifferent answers to my applications for more, how the fami-
liar English names in the books made my soul yearn to be in my
own land, where at least, some one loves me?     How I walked
through crowded, cold, sunny Broadway, the gaily-dressed
women there promenading, � and ascended to my lonely room, to
sit looking into the fire and sometimes to burst into paroxsysms of
tears?               
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