Lehigh University
The Vault at PfaffsAn Archive of Art and Literature by the Bohemians of Antebellum New York
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Text for Page 206 [02-20-1856]

              208
snob Surtees, in a comfortablish upper room, and
presently Mrs Mason appeared.   The former Jane
Gibson looks plump, good humored, and pleasant.     I
got very little fragments of news from them.     Alfred Brown
or Albert (I think the latter) is said to be married,
at Troy.     Mr and Mrs Morse (nee Kidder) are as
I knew at Poughkeepsie.     Of Lotty little is known,
(and Mason said he didn �t want to know.     There are
rumors of her being companion of a lady in Canada, seen
in New York, flitting hither and thither � that�s all.
Her mother know naught of her.       Walked back
through the moonlight streets all hideous with barricades
of dirty ice, with strange thoughts in my head about
this awful mystery of Existence.      And like Homer�s
Bellerophon I seem to be out of all sympathy with others,
�devouring my own heart.  Very bitter food too.   I seem
to have reached a strange stationary point in my existence,
but see every thing through a most ghastly medium.    I
fancy this great world spinning on remorselessly through
systems of worlds, the miseries, hopes, anxieties � the
finite nothings ���                I felt like the Wandering Jew.
I tried to think of the words �Ye are of more value than
many sparrows� but they fell coldly, improfitably on me.
Oh God, that I could believe and hope more.   Dear God
to believe and pray like Hannah!
  21.  Thursday.   Writing letters, being incapable of
aught else, and doing that with difficulty, to Greatbatch               
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