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The Vault at PfaffsAn Archive of Art and Literature by the Bohemians of Antebellum New York
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Text for Page 019

              [handwritten by Gunn]
Cahill�s article,
(got from
Sol�s
domestic
relations.)

[newspaper clipping with engraving]   
                                    Hints on Politeness.
					FOR MARRIED PEOPLE.��
					When a bachelor friend visits
					your house, always let him
					understand that married life
					is very expensive, but very
					comfortable.  Acquaint him
					with the price of butter, bread,
					etc.; tell him that the price is
					ruinous, and that you hardly
					know, if things continue, how
					you will be enabled to weather
					the storm.  (The above will
					make your guest very happy,
					and cause him to relish and
					enjoy every mouthful he
					takes.)  Let your visitor
					know the exact cost of the
					stair carpet and rods; speak
					of the cheapness of your pi-
					ano, and whisper in his ear
that your wife is the best and most economical of women.  Of
course the wife in all cases has to say that her husband is the best,
most lovable, and delightful of all human beings.
  As we seldom or never hear any music, get your wife to set down
at the piano and play all the evening.  It is sure to delight your
visitor, who enjoys a quiet conversation, and can hear much better
music upon payment of twenty-five cents.
  If your friend appears annoyed by so much music, and is not
paying sufficient attention to your wife�s exertions, let her turn
round upon him, and say, in her most bitter and sarcastic manner,
�Mr. So-and-so, you appear to have no ear for music, but Charley
(Charley is of course her husband) dotes upon it, don�t you, dear?
Then let her go on playing for the rest of the evening.
  Let your wife express regret that your visitor was not at your
house on such-and-such a day, as you had some splendid custards,
and such a delightful punkin pie.  This speech, if delivered prop-
erly, will make your visitor extremely happy, as you will let him
know that you thoroughly understand him, and that he only visits
your house for what he can get.
  Kiss your wife as often as possible before a third person, as it
impresses them with the very happy and bed-of-roses kind of life
you must be leading.               
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