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The Vault at PfaffsAn Archive of Art and Literature by the Bohemians of Antebellum New York
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Text for Page 050 [02-17-1851]

              �There can be no disparity in marriage so great as unsuitability of mind
and purpose,�   and let me lay it to heart.       The thought has been much
with me of late, Were we wed, should we be happy.      I fear not.   I could
not go twice to Chapel on Sundays, and once on week days.  I could not
wallow in texts and tracts.  And it would be so, and a far crueller
disenchantment to her past image thus, than now.      Reason and love plead
in vain, the blind owl-like cry �Behold the book �deafness the one, and
for the other alas!   Oh Mary, have I not loved so deeply, so faithfully
and long that like the air you breathe you give no thought or thankfulness
for it.     Why have I loved her, and why do I � my innermost
heart I know she is not as I feign to myself.          It should have ended
ere now, long ago.       Never more � never more to think of, hope for
and love her � never more.              I will write as I think � and if
it must come, well I�ll end it, and live Alone.  I have done it and
can endure the like again.      I can�t cast again � have no heart to 
do it, but life has pleasures yet.    I can read, think and travel,
and so time will glide on till there�s an end of more taking thought
for the morrow.
  18. Tuesday.   Barth called.  Out with him, called at Roberts and
left the mahogany block. Then to Canal Street, and accompanyed him part
of his way, meeting Fred Anderson.  Returned to dinner. Afterwards,
with Cross and Atchien the Chinese out for a drive in the buggy. To
an Iron foundry at the back of the North River, where I made a sketch
of Halls drilling Machine, for Cross.   Returned alone, along the brink
of the river.   Atchien upstairs with self and Waud during the evening.
Imbibing ale, and looking at pictures to his great content, also dis-
playing his queue for our admiration. A very simple, merry, 
and noticeable Celestial is he, and knoweth English tolerably. His               
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