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The Vault at PfaffsAn Archive of Art and Literature by the Bohemians of Antebellum New York
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Text for Page 101 [05-13-1851]

              voking. The best of�t was, an actor speaking from the gallery as an enraged b�hoy
irate at the interruption of the piece by the supposed husband of a debutante. �I
payed ma twenty-five cents, and if yer don�t play on I tell yer I�ll siss yer!�
Wet walk back to Robinson, lightning and thunder.
  14. Wednesday. Calls, at Genins, at Butlers, Hutchings, Wall Street where
I visited Anderson�s new office, � top of a building, over a bank,)  at Fulton Street,
at �Era� Office, at Roberts, at Canal Street &c.       Met Brotherhead, one
of the men I have known at Bobbetts &c.  Heard that Edmonds is going to the
Worlds fair.    A job from Brother head, he calling after dinner. Afternoon
drawing on block.   Evening went to Cedar street to find Baudoin, but he had
left the Hotel de Nancy.   To Duane and out with Mr Hart and Dillon, the
former walking with a Jersey acquaintance, I with Dillon.   Together to the
Battery, where we pace up and down, watching the sheen of the moonlight on the water
and indulging in reflections, anticipatory and retrospectve .  Much do I see self 
condemnatory
at twenty five I ought not to be thus living on from week to week, seeing my way no 
clearer.
Others step on before me.  Little checks daunt me and palsy good resolve.  I know I�ve
something in me, why do I not achieve a position?  Not for the dollar�s sake, but
that which ever follows success.  I�d like those at home to hear of me, to be proud of
me.  A little success or reward spurs me greatly, but on the other hand discomfiture
rebuffs and disenheartens me, instead of moving me to overcome it. Many with
(I think) less intellect than I have, thrive better � shame to me therefore. Time
should not be wasted for such men as Andrews. I know it can lead to nothing.
I should have some rent for what I can do with pen and pencil. I ought to make
me. But the insight I have had of the coarse selfish impulses of writers here, of
the fad vortex throwing up mire and dirt; � that I scarce care to thread such paths as
would be open to me.   And for others, I lack energy and impudence to find
them.  I can see where I�m wrong far more easily than remedy it.   /        Glass
of ale, where we met Richardson; and parted at about 10.               
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