JANUARY 7, I860.]
8foe %ttixt ImwtetflM-
TO THE GREAT WORLD'S "VANITY PAIR."
Re it known unto all
and several, of whatsoever name or nature,
kith or kidney, mark or
likelihood, belonging to,
or, assembled in, and
about Vanity Fair, from
the crowned mummer,
rustling in velvet robes,
and rich in transitory
tinsel, to the wayside
mendicant fluttering in
To all Mountebanks
and Masquers, of every
phase and character, be
they "Stage Players/'
'' Jugglers," " Puppet
Riggers," "Fir e-E a t-
ers," " Wonder-M o n-
gers," " Monster-Makers, " " Cheap Johns,''
"Peter Funks," "Fortune-Tellers," and all
other dealers in Miscellaneous Humbug, that
we, Touchstone, the
Jester, by our own free
will and consent, and in
pursuance of the author-
ty to us belonging, do hereby constitute ourself Sole and Absolute Controller, Regulator,
Supervisor, Director, Scrutinizer, Admonisher, Arbitrator, Adjudicator, Decider of Difficulties, Rewarder of Merit and Punisher of Misdoing, Grand Master of the Revels and Supreme
High Court of Authority, from which there is No Appeal.
REGULATIONS OF THE FAIR.
Concerning the Spectators.
1. The Spectators, for who?e especial delectation, amusement and instruction the Great
Fair is holden, will, in all cases, comport themselves in a seemly manner, bearing in mind
that they, being component parts of the whole, may, at any time, be called upon to contribute their share in the general entertainment.
2. They, The Spectators, are expected to applaud as lustily as they please, all that jumps
with their individual or collective humor, but on no account to express disapproval, for good
maimers must be conserved, even at the expense of freedom of speech.
?. And Furthermore, they, the spectators, inasmuch as thought is fatigueing, and subtle
analysis tedious, and it being manifest that they are altogether incapable of judging for themselves, are required to hold in tender regard and implicit reverence, all and every opinion,
decree, or judgement uttered and delivered by Touchstone the Jester and, moreover—as in
every enlightened Kingdom, no subject dares td censure or applaud until Royalty give the
signal—wait deferentially for our diction.
- 4. And Also, for the better understanding of their duties, Socially, Personally, Privily and
Publicly, it is absolutely essential that they, the Spectators, do provide themselves with a,
record of Our Immutable Decrees which will,be issued in printed form, weekly, for their
especial guidance and improvement.
Concerning the Show Folk.
1. Take Notice—That no demoralizing or humanity-degrading Exhibition of whatsoever
kind or description, shall, in anywise be suffered to appear, without instant and severe punishment beihg administered to the Inventors and Conductors;
2. Likewise^ That all underhand-dealers, trap-setters, and all practicers of deception generally, will, on discovery, be placed at once in the Public Pillory as a warning and example
to air secret evil-workers.
3. Also, That no outside shams will be permitted. But all live Giants or Dwarfs, Fat
• Women and Living Skeletons, likewise all Enormous Serpents and Snakes, Singing Oysters
and accomplished Icht%-ology, must correspond with their canvass delineations.^
A. In Addition to which, all lying advertisements, show-cards and announce-.bills, preliminary Puffs and Posters, descriptive of Imaginary excellence and depictive of fictitious attractions, will be submitted to a rigid scrutiny, and denounced accordingly.
5. Moreover, Should any Mountebank Exhibitor or Stage-play maker, of his own knowledge or ability, design, produce or publish in anywise, a popular idea, he shall have a patent
right thereto, and it: shall be deemed felonious for one of his craft to appropriate the same,
or any portion thereof.
6. And whosoever disturbs the quiet of the Fair, in any manner, either from simple fool-
•ishness, stark lunacy, the thirst for notoriety, or in obedience to the dictates of a nefarious
ambition, shall render himself liable to the application of our lash, to be indefinitely laid on.
Likewise, No Exhibitor, Mountebank, etc., etc., will be permitted to deface, abuse, or in
any shape injure his neighbor's booth or show-place, nor shall he make impertinent or imi
tating remarks on their shape, shade or qual"
ity, whether they be black or white, grey-
striped, or parti-colored, cotton or calico,
every man's sign, flag, or banner must be
respected, and all busy intermeddlers and
self-constituted reformers, quelled substantially.
And Finally Should one or more Public
Journals presume to controvert our opinion,
arraign our judgement, or in the remotest
degree, derogate from our constituted authority, it, or they, will receive ,.
"the first warning."
And so ye Players upon the Stage of Life,
from Star to Supernumerary, Kings, Courtiers, Common people, Queens, Countesses and
Chambermaids, poncler upon these wise, just
and necessary rules, so that ye may be enabled to "act well your part" not having, the
excuse of ignorance to escape from the * consequences of dereliction. -
This is the edict of . .
SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.
One of the most hopeful signs of the times
that we have observed for a -long while; is
the increasing piety of the House of Representatives, as evinced in their expressed desire to celebrate Christmas for religious motives. The Honorable Gentlemen showed a
thirst for godliness and egg-nog that was exceedingly refreshing—almost as refreshing,
indeed, to the Dear Public, who paid their
money when they made their choice, as the
egg-nog was to the Honorable Gentlemen
themselves. To be sure, it costs a good deal
of money, when the Honorable Gentlemen
all take a day for religious and alcoholic
exercises, but we should consider how important the salvation of an Honorable Gentleman is, Compared with saving the Union.
It is evident that Our Representatives have
been reading their Bibles diligently, and we
judge that they have practically applied one
of its texts—the twenty -fourth verse of the-
tenth chapter of the first book of Corinthians :
Let no man seek his own, but every man another's
G-OTigh vs. Fowler.
The Temperance Cause must be on the decline in this city : there have never been so
many Mails supported by lamp-posts before.
The return of the Southern Medical Students in view of the great approaching Dissolution.
Why the (3-reat Balloon didn't go up
Because it was intended to keep Lowe this
r , 4$, ,
The Rule by which Mile. Patti secures
Her Troop of Followers,
*4 Suites to the sweet.''
A Classical Text for the Southern
Facilis descensus Savannah.
A Cool Proceeding.