EPTEMBER 15, I860.]
THE TELEGRAPH TOUR
OF BROADWAY SPUYTENTUYFEL
AND HIS COUSIN,
PEYTONA RANDOLPH DE ACCOMAC.
Up the Middle, down the Sides, and Criss-Cross the whole
Manifest Destination of the Universal American Continent.
UR miles south of
lOcean House, Newport, Batemans—
nice, well-kept place;
a handsome farm
house engineered on
hotel principles and
the pleasantest of
places wherein to
loaf and invite a
soul. Lies on extreme point of Newport—call Bellevue
the New York Hotel,
would be almost the
all about that point.
When hot and dusty
'^~- in Newport of afternoon, drive down to
the Rocks at Batemans, and you'll find a rise of ten degrees in
thermometer. Such dulcified atmosphere as climate affords, not to
be discovered anywhere else on face of earth. Madeira not bad,
Naples verv decent, Sir Trinidad quite tololderable — but
Newport summer air, like the ripest bits of 'em carefully softened
and temperately cooled—with sugar. Fogs occasionally—Widow
says they're only blessings in disguise—they improve complexion
so. ''Bless my heart—there was Ninon Fairsinner of Madison
Avenue—she came here used up like an old umbrella; thin as a
whip-snake, with a complexion half way between a ripe persimmon
and a green chinquapin—and now look at her ! (To be sure if
you're a decent looking man, she'll spare you the trouble.) But
the girl certainly does look good enough to eat now, that's a fact
—it's all fogs and Newport air "
" And virtuous abstinence ?"
" Good for you—or any other man."
4' Talk about climate,'' quoth Captain*DiCK. ' * Ah—if you want
to unfold the sympathies of youth, you ought to live in bparaguaya.
There's a revelation for you.?'
And here Dick laid himself comfortably back, and taking out a
fresh Partagas lighted it lazily—Ma'am—I tell this story vilely.
For I should have said that in the first place, we were pic-nicking
gloriously among the rocks—rambling about between Pirates'
Cave, and " the Wrecks" with special reference to the Governor's
Table and the Spring—and if you know the spots, you will admit
that a better place for rock and waves, ocean-air, trailing sea-plants
ever rising and falling with the ebb and flow—washing foam,
dreams and climbs, is not discoverab'e between Nahantand Hen-
lopen—or that I may give a margin, say Hatteras. On a jutting
point, stood Wolf and Randolph fishing—on a rock lay baskets—
in the Spring sat bottles—up on the beach rambled Catalpa,
gathering shells, with two umbrellas held over her by her footman
and maid—and on a fine rocky point, sat we and others, dolce far
nienting like good fellows.
" Such a climate. When I lived in Sparaguaya, and was Dictator of that blessed land "
" Dictator—Spanish for Richard Dambanger, Emperor Plenipotentiary and Lord Catamount, I owned a district so healthy
that the oldest records didn't mention such a thing as a natural
death—in fact, the natural death of the country was to be ripped
up by a Guacho knife. Even this was awful uncertain. There
was a secretary of mine, one Miguel Hayzoo Gonzales Troconis
Iriarte Acosta Cipriano Benavides Zarraga Hernandez Contreras
Suarez Angel Felipe Martinez——"
" Or any other man. Time !"
"Well—Miguel belonged to this healthy district. One day he
was out riding, escorting an uncommonly fine looking young woman
out to my country place, when they were set upon by Indians, and
cut actually into seven pieces apiece.
" Now you mayn't believe it, but I had it from a very truthful
man, that the atmosphere was so salubrious that when their limbs
were adjusted they actually healed before the first intention. Unfortunately they had put Rafaelita's (that was the girl's) head
on Miguel and vice versa, so that he couldn't quite make out when
he arose if she weie himself or if he were her, if his'n were her'n
or her'n was his'n. Under the circumstances they concluded it
would be wise to get married.''
" Or any other man!"
"Well, I don't wonder you doubt it. Of course. Naturally. In
fact I expected you would. Certainly. But I can tell you what—
Randolph's brother Dunwoodie was at my court in Sparaguaya and
saw me there. Sho ! why that climate was so healthy that a bottle
full of the air taken to any other place and uncorked under the
nose of a girl dying of consumption——"
" Or any other man ?"
"Yes, it's a fact—'twould cure her up right straight away on
end. However, healthy as the place was I contrived to have a
good many die off."
"Go on Captain," quoth Willy, resignedly. "I submit for
" Or any other man !"
"Well, the natives were uncommonly ambitious of being regarded as caballeros or gentlemen—perfectly insane on the subject.
Precipitoriously. Why I once made them dig a canal hy saying that
in Europe canal digging was a privilege only accorded to the blood
royal and the nobility. Well, they got up a tremendous conspiracy
once, to dethrone me, and had the proiiunciamento all ready baked,
and the jefes ready to start me off on a bullet track. I only let
drop the hint that to be a real gentleman and high old dalgo cavalier of the first water—a don among the dons—one ought to be
able to say that he had killed a man for every year of his life.
Caramba! how the news flew! ' Don Ricardo said it—Don Ricardo
says so.' Lord bless you ! the town was half depopulated the very
first night by assassination. All the jefes were killed off—there was
nothing but ripping, sticking, slashing, shooting.
"All night long in that sweet little village
"Was heard the- soft note of the pistol,
And the dyihg scream of the Victim.''
1 i The next day I published a great carta denying the whole story
in big red letters. But had a bad moral effect for me, for the
natives always thought at heart that a murderer was rather a genteel person.
" Or any other man.''
" Well Captain," quoth Willy, your experiences are sure death
to flies. Sharp and sudden. Ladies and gentlejhen, I have the
honor to propose the health of Captain Dambanger—and may his
memoirs never grow less. I don't say, " keep his memory green"
for it cannot be done—and -therefore suggest that we do it brown
in a bumper!
So fill up your glasses, and fill 'em up quick I
Vive la compagnie
And we'll drink to the health of our friend Captain Dick I
Vive la compagnie!
Vive le vin, vive l'amour
Vive le vin vive l'amour
Vive la compagnie !"
And hearing this, the boys who were fishing hauled out and
came ashore. They looked uncommonly like a couple of subterranean Five Pointers, crossed on wet oystermen of a lower grade
who had suddenly realized tbe inspiration of an aristocratic sentiment. I need not say that they walked into the sandwiches and
Strasburg pie most affectionately.
" And now Captain, respond with a song. One of your own."
" Or any other man's."
And the Dambanger arose like a good fellow and flourishing a
Hock bottle to beat time, warbulated :
The very best song that ever was sung,
I heard from a bird on a tree,
'Twas meant for all fools, both old and young,
And 'twill.do, good fellow, for thee
Very well for you or for me.
The sum of all wisdom was in each word,
And the words were " death is sure,"
And life's best joys in the chorus were heard
And the chorus was vive Vamour !
In a steamer we slide ado wn the tide