JANUARY 7, I860.]
VAJSJTT Y FAJCR,
Ha ha ! The wretch ! He has blighted my hopes, robbed me of my property ?
and desolated my hearth ! Hope, wealth, honor, all gone—but I will be revenged.
Ha, ha ! H-a—a-h ! !" I will give his little boy a tin horn ! Ha—Ha-a-a !! !
JONATHAN TO EUG-ENIE.
You Queen—d'ye know w'at you're a-doin
By whoppin raound so in your dress ?—r
Why, look at the etarnal retiin
Inflicted onto brother Jess :
He manifacter'd springs for skirts,
And did a stroke o' biz'ness, teoo ;
But the last' o' your confabunded flirts
Hes turned his steel almighty bleiie.
He'd sell the lot for 'baout a quatter,
And take it abut in rope, at that;
He says, " Confabund Ellgeen,—dod rot her !-—
She's jest upset my kittle o'fat!"
And there is cousin Zilthy Jane,
Who gins right up and strychnine swallers,
And yells and squirms and (lies in pain
Whilst owin' more'n a hundred dollars.
She hed a shop all full o' skirts
But couldn't sell not darned a one :
The only customers was squirts.
That courted of her gals for fun.
And there's Rebecky,—what to dew
The pesky gal'd like to know ;
She's taller'n dad ; and Oh, Je-hewl
How crinoline does help, below I
Inside the, umbreller thing, the tyke
Is dabwnrighfc pooty, you kin,bet:
Collapse the thing, and she's jest like
A real umbreller w'en it's shet!
She's kind o' on the fence, I guess,
Jes'nabw; for every other mornin',
Though naterally fond of dress
She faints afore she's threbugh adornin'.
Rebecky's mind's uncommon strong ;
And nabw and then she kind o' hints
She'd rether like to hear, 'fore long,
You 'd got another likely Prince.
That is, not quite, you know, Eugeen,
But so'thin like a right smart cliance; "
If not, she swaps her crinoline
For Woman's Rights and Bloomer pants.
Jest think o' that all-ternative ! •
I won't say no thin' more ababut it. /
Ef it was sure, I'd hate to live,
But knowin' her, I'm free to dabubt it.
And nabw, Eugeen—good-lopkih' $ueen !—
Afore you shave so closet to natur',
Remember Bee', and don't be meaii,—
Jest put it off a &tle later!
A WISE SUGGESTION.
The irrepressible students, whose hegira from. Philadelphia has
brought desolation to the milliners' shops, and stricken terror to the
tailors' benches of that city, have paid the penalty of their rashness.
On arriving at Richmond, they were subjected, for two hours, to
Governor Wise, who operated upon them in a manner calculated to
teach them, as medical practitioners, how to make the best use of
their patience. Governor Wise's oratory seems to rise from a perennial fountain—a sort of boiling spring, valuable for aperient purposes, though not over attractive or wholesome as a regular tipple.
Or it is like the famous wooden leg of Mynheer von Clam, by which
its owner was perpetually carried away, out of all reasonable bounds,
and 'finally brought to ignominious destruction. That the Governor
never sleeps, the world was long ago informed; and how he finds
time to take his food, itis difficult to imagine, unless, indeed, he eats
his words as he utters them—which the evil-minded declare he is
apt to do. The Governor's facility in detecting opportunities for
rhetorical display is astonishing. He has already producecFihe Romance of the Oyster Fundum. It will not be long before no Southern hen can issue an egg without evoking from' him an eloquent
defence of her virtue, and an elaborate argument on the principles
of maternity. For the sake of humanity, as well as for his own,
we venture a suggestion that may possibly ameliorate the condition
of Southern listeners, and still enable Mr. Wise to preserve his
amour propre. Having by this time exhausted all possible and impossible topics, and covered every earthly point of disscussion at
least knee deep with ponderous thought, he would do well to cause
the speeches of his life to be collected, and published in some hundreds of volumes. And then, when called upon to utter public sentiments, an easy and graceful, and brief, as well as comprehensive
means of expression would be open to him. When popularly understood, as it soon would come to be, nothing could be clearer or
more elegant. We might fancy the Richmond newspaper reports
of public meetings to read somewhat thus :— .
" After the dissolution of the Union had been impressively pronounced by the
Rev. Dr. Fireeta, Gov. Wise was introduced and received with a tumult of applause.
The Gov. spoke thus :—'Ladies and Gentlemen, Volume One .Hundred and Sixty-
Seven, page Thirty -Three, et seq.' These sentiments were enthusiastically welcomed,
and produced a profound impression. The meeting then adjourned,with a feeling that
the popular heart had been touched, and the temper of the community fully expressed, by the Governor's judiciousand-well-timed remarks."
In this manner, all parties will be likely to be satisfied, and the
ancient proverb will be pleasingly varied thus :—
u A word from the Wise is sufficient.?'
The Other Side of the Question.
Though schoolmasters, according to a popular superstition, teach
the young idea how to shoot, Paterfamilias, we have observed,
always.has to Pay the Shot.
Peregrine, the great traveller, says that the reason the Arabs are
so distinguished for personal grace, is that they'have a perfect
knowledge of Scimetary.
The Seat of Disease.
An invalid's chair.